the clock is ticking

In two more days I will be having surgery. I am nervous!!!

self consciousness

So yesterday was my niece's 15th birthday. Prior to her big day, I had to go shopping for a nice dress. The store had one dress in the color I wanted. The size was six sizes smaller than I was before starting this journey. The dress was form fitting with one inch straps at the top. I absolutely could not wear the dress as is. I had to buy a little black jacket to cover my arms. They are so big still. The dress really showed my curves, something I am totally not used to seeing. People told me how good I looked, but I just couldn't get over how I felt inside. Do you ever try on clothes and see yourself as the bigger size still? I think this is what happened. Although I am smaller, I still visioned my self bigger. There were moments were I just could not get over thinking "how big is my behind still? why haven't the arms gone down more? when is the tummy going away? I was my worst critic and being self conscious did not help. Why is it that I could not be comfortable in my new attire? I know I need to concentrate and see myself as how I will look when I reach my goal. It is just hard when reality stares you right in the face.

what do you do if your car breaks down?

Car trouble! ugh!!!!! So I had to get to bank and to work and I was without a car. Since all I can do is walk, I decided to run errands on foot. Huge mistake. I didn't get to where I needed to be until 2 1/2 hours later. I obviously do not walk fast and this was definitely not the most effective way to burn calories. But I can say I did get some exercise in today. My feet hurt.

working through this

I spent this weekend working away from home. I was not prepared for meals or I did not have exercised plan. I felt BLAH! Today is no different. There is some sense of frustration that I can not train. Well I support those who do or can, I am upset that all I can do is walk. There needs to be a progression, not a regression. My mind set needs to be re-focus. I am are going to have to look at the glass half full for the next couple of months so that I do not drive myself crazy about the glass that is half empty. In order to do that, I need to look at the medical benefits that I will result in all this. My body will be well rested and I will actually slow down. This is going to be a forced break. What do I do? The couch, bed, and chair are not my friends and I can not tolerate being still for long. The 6 to 8 weeks of forced rest may end up driving me crazy. Watch out, I may be blogging more and reading more blogs!

I am parked!

Well, I went to the doctor today and it looks like I am definitely having surgery. He has taken me off work. We had a long conversation today and I don't know where I could have miss understood him. Apparently, I should have not been exercising to the degree I was since I was diagnosed officially with anemia. My symptoms have existed for a while, but I really didn't think that I had a medical issue until labs were done on me. Anyway, until I have surgery, I can walk. Yup, that's about all. Not an efficient workout, but I guess it is a way for me to keep moving. My recovery will be difficult for the first couple of weeks. I am going to try and blog each day to help me get through this.

Last night I did not sleep because of pain and my body could not regulate body heat. I was miserable. I managed to work today and get through my last work out with the trainer. It was no means intense. When I got home, I cried. I think all of this is eating at my emotions. I can't let this get to me. UGH!!! I told myself when I first started this journey that I needed to do this by myself ..... no surgeries. If I so much regress, I am see will see myself as a failure. I know I should not, but I will be taking two steps backwards. Guess what? I don't do backwards.

Can't sleep cuz I need to park the car.

Tomorrow is my last day to workout with my trainer and I can't sleep. Ugh!!! I am worried about what will transpire in the next few months. In the next two weeks I will be preparing for my surgery. Things at the office will need to be settled and ready for my absence. My time for workouts will be limited. I worry about what will happen. How much weight loss can I maintain? Will I gain since I can't maintain my exercise level? How will my food habits change? How much will I regress physically? I so do not want park the car. This part of the journey is definitely challenging. This part of the journey is a fork in the road and I am unsure of the road that lies ahead.