a fork in the road

OK, OK, OK, I know I said "The word CHANGE will have to be in my weight loss journey always". "It requires you to constantly juggle all components of weight loss and modify them on an ongoing basis." But, I did not actually think I was going to make changes right away. I did not know how I would react to certain changes that I did not want to do.

So there is a fork in my road. One way is the way I am moving now. Slow, steady pace that gets me where I want to go and the other way is a new road, one that I have never taken. It is a road that I am afraid to venture. I can't take any passengers with me because it is a decision I have to make on my own. The biggest change in the new road to my weight loss is getting out of bed almost two hours earlier. I am NOT a morning person. I have plenty of reasons why I should not go down the new road. No, complaints (well not at least in my mind). Do I have to? According to my trainer, it is more efficient, but he is not forcing me to. It is my decision. What will happen if I do not? Seriously, some decisions are becoming more difficult. I think about the people I will disappoint if I do not choose the new road. Can I turn back if I do not like it? Or more importantly, am I a failure if I start and then do not finish? These along with many more questions are running through my head. I have to make a decision.

sharing the drive

When I first started this journey, I wanted to loose weight. My trainer said it was all about change. Okay, I was off the couch and eating less and that meant change to me. But not to him, he meant more. As time goes on, I am finding out what change really means and how I am not done changing. It requires you to constantly juggle all components of weight loss and modify them on an ongoing basis.

As I change, I so want to share this process with others and I think that is one reason I started this blog. In my attempt to share my journey, I hope others will hop in for the ride. Since my journey began, I have been able to get my husband started on watching his weight and going to a great trainer. He has moved from the couch and has lost twenty pounds already. (He is catching up to me in such as short amount of time. I had to learn that males have it easier than us females in terms of loosing weight). I am soooooo proud of him! He has changed and dedicated himself to loosing weight even though he still has some medical issues. I have also decided to invest money for friends and family in a boot camp. It is my hope that the group will continue to want to change. The commitment is theirs and I want to be part of their celebration as they change. My three sons are now coming aboard also. My two oldest have cooked for us in the last month meals that they found on line. These meals were nutritious and tasted delicious! It is amazing how change is coming about in our home. We have gone from eating out almost everyday to now having home cooked meals. We have gone from being stationary to moving about daily. I am in tears tonight as I think about how needless it was for us to be in the position were are now. But I also have tears of joy as I see change. Change that was so over due. The beginning of this process was so very rough, challenging, and quite frankly, frightening. But now, it is getting better. There is still a long road ahead but as we keep focused a better life looks brighter, attainable, and more appealing.

Talk about sharing the drive! I have documented my training, weight, and food log since 9/30/09. I was going to weigh in on 11/30/09 but after my training tonight, I wanted to step on the scale. With my husband by my side, the trainer weighed me in. I put the top marker where I started on this journey -299 lbs. My trainer slowly moved the marker down, down, and down. Yes, I am making progress. Today I am thirty pounds, can you believe it, thirty pounds lighter. I am so excited. It has been one of my goals to be in the 260's by Thanksgiving and I did it. I have to thank my husband for his ability to keep me on track at home and to keep encouraging me to go on despite set backs I have. He is the same guy, but with a new attitude and sometimes I don't recognize what he is saying and doing. I also am glad my trainer was there tonight. He has pushed, encouraged, lectured, reinforced, and trained me. He made me believe that I can achieve my goals despite my attempts to disagree with him. I am so glad I listened to him. My trainer shared this with me today "this is a commitment for life! You will take the weight off, but you need to keep it off". That is definitely the mind set I need to keep. The word CHANGE will have to be in my weight loss journey always.

the pain

Who ever said that this was going to be easy!!!!!!!!!? I can remember back to the first time I worked out and the pain that went through every muscle and bone of my body was intense. There are times when I ask myself "did I really sign up for this?" Exercise is not easy and it is definitely a commitment. You have to push yourself as you engage in activities you have probably not done for awhile. Sometimes it has to be mind over matter and you have to just get past it. That pain you felt is now just soreness. What you have to know is that there will always be some kind of pain or soreness, especially if you have a trainer. I do not think they want to keep you in a comfort zone. No, once you get used to a machine or an exercise, you think, "wow, look at that." But then no sooner, you are being challenged again whether it is more weights, more resistance, or more repetitions.


Today was a good day in regards to weights. I felt stronger and noticed I could handle more. To complete a few laps of sprints, YES SPRINTS, was totally flabbergasting. Never did I think I would be running, much less sprinting. I don't know whether to be excited or fearful. Fearful of the next step. Can I take my body there? Really? At what point am I going to just collapse? I sure hope someone is there to catch me.


Today was not so good in that I am so, so, so very sore. After that workout, a sharp pain was going through my back. Was today worth it? I had to think hard about this. I remembered that this morning, as I sat with my trainer today in the gym, he gave me a 25 pound weight to hold. He said "that is how much you have lost". I could not believe it. I guess I was just overweight and not making the connection of what that really meant. Something sank into my head. How was I carrying that weight plus the weight I still have to lose? How did and is my body coping? I decided not to take an Motrin for the pain. I wanted to tough it out and let it ride its course. I have to realize that this process is going to include pain and soreness. If I want to keep loosing those pounds, I will need to endure what comes with the exercise. Sure, it is easier said than done. But, it is reality!

Reality! Let me tell you what I absolutely dislike. It is painful for me to look into the mirrors. Yes, there are plenty in the gym. I do not like seeing myself lift weights. I don't need to. Well, I learned that the reason is that I don't want to is because I do not want to face reality. Looking in the mirror is painful because I can not hide what I am. It is a honest reflection of what my body looks like because of poor decisions I made. It tells a story about someone who let them
self go. It is strike against my self esteem and self confidence. Do you think one day I will dance in the mirror or just enjoy the reflection I see? I think it may get easier as time progresses, but it is definitely not an overnight thing. Definitely!!!!

"this is a process, eat well and rest, please just focus on each day, you will get stronger"

OK, OK, Ok! I have been hard on myself since I started dieting. Ask my husband or my trainer. If I can't get something right or I am not loosing weight as fast I think I should, I beat myself up and worry like there is no tomorrow. This is problem because I loose my focus. Am I looking for a way out? No, I am not. I just want everything to go right. I have to learn what I can and can not control.

In the beginning, I could barely control my body movements. My balance was nonexistent. Walking was difficult for more than fifteen minutes. My trainer's words of ..... well, let's just say, he has quite a few depending on what he is trying to get across....but let's take the ones in the title..."this is a process, eat well and rest, please just focus on each day, you will get stronger". I can't roll my eyes or make a remark about these words anymore because he was right. :-) As of now, I do have more control over my body and the way I move. After seven weeks (two of which I was sick), I am doing so much more. For starters, I can run, not real fast, almost a mile nonstop. I can do some jumping jacks (try and picture an overweight person who was totally uncoordinated doing them). Yeah, I know. I was there! As the terrain varies,I still have to look down and concentrate as I move, especially up and down hills or even surfaces. I have been afraid of falling, but I have manage to go around holes in the grass and other things in my way without a guide. This has built some confidence in respect to exercising. Since I feel more comfortable, I try to run or push myself more. I am stronger in relation to the amount weights I use. After I exercise, it is easier for me to catch my breath. My heart is stronger. I am gaining more control over my diet (still working on keeping a better log). Although I worry about the scale less, I still worry about the scale. How do I get past this? I am still trying to figure it out. I do know that this is a process. I have to eat well and get plenty of rest. I have to stay focus each day so I can get better and stonger. I got it!!!

the path to weight gain - Part 2

So, after my independence was stripped away, I found out that I needed surgery in both eyes. They were going to do the left eye first and then the right. Each eye needed a different type of surgery. The first surgery in the left eye was not successful and I had to wait for another donor eye. Friends cooked wonderful meals and brought them to us (it was soooo nice not to have to fast food again). Anyway, stubborn as I can get sometimes, I decided that I would try to make a simple meal for my family that I had done plenty of times. That night I made a mess of the stove and counter tops. That I could deal with! What shocked me was the devastation I almost caused my family. I couldn't sleep right that night and I asked my husband to go downstairs to get me some water around 4am. He came right back up the stairs and said make sure the windows were open. Well, I had left the gas on and the fumes downstairs were so bad. My husband mistakenly left the downstairs kitchen window open slightly. But, that ended up being what had saved us. The fumes would have travel faster had that window not been open. What would I have done to my family? OK! That night I came to grips with my disability. I could not longer do what I used to do, at least without supervision (talk about feeling like a kid).

Within that year, I had both surgeries and was on six different steroids. A great deal of pressure was put on my husband to cook, grocery shop and take the children
to point A and B. I felt helpless. In order to help, the pressure of dinner was removed and that is when home cooked meals were few and far between at our house. Almost every night was junk food time. Yes, we tired all the food joints we already knew and more that we did not. The weight gain spiraled out of control. I rarely packed a lunch so that meant I was doing fast food for that meal also. Every bite relieved the stress. I can't even say I enjoyed the food I was eating. It was comfort for the emotions. My poor children had to endure something that as I look back on, I AM not proud of.

In April of 2008, I could finally drive - daytime only, no freeways. I am still in that mode until my eyes improve even more. The important thing was that I felt some of my independence back. Although the trips to fast food joints decreased, they were still present. When I looked at myself in the mirror a year later, I was depressed. Sure, I thought about the diet thing, the surgery thing and the exercise thing. Since surgery was out, I tried to diet and exercise. I had to and still have to watch my step as I walk, especially on uneven surfaces. At night, I could not walk on my own because I do not see well. Everyone around me knows to form rack in front of me to go downstairs or hills to be my guide. When I tried to walk or exercise on my own I fell or did not feel comfortable. I made the realization that the I could loose weight on my own. NOPE. I had gone too far. I had taken my body to a limit where I felt again totally helpless.

the path to weight gain - part 1

I can tell you that about six years ago my weight gain steadily increased. I was hiding behind my glasses in denial of what was happening. Talk about being on the road! Well, literally I was. Driving around town with my children on vacations and to and from school started to become dangerous. I was loosing my ability to see and I was in denial. Instead of admitting it as first, I would just tell my family that I wanted them to drive. They new something was wrong because when I did drive, I'd hear moans and groans. Funny how I accumulated so many back seat drivers!


I was diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease a while back but it was not on a downhill spiral until 2005. This came at the worst time. I was starting my own business and I found it more difficult to do the job that I spent so much time preparing for in college. My stress level increased tremendously. Some people say, why didn't you just quit? I couldn't. I would have been a failure. So, I made adjustments and hired a full time aide! Let me rephrase that. I had to hire someone to do the things I could no longer do myself(what a horrible feeling). My independence for things started to decrease and I hated the fact that I had to be dependent on others. I was a mom, a career woman, and I had things to do. "LET ME GO!LET ME DO! WHY was this thrown at me? How was I going to cope?" These were just some of the thoughts spinning through my head.


My left eye was so severe that I was finally declared legally blind. Although I still had vision in my right eye, the rate in which it was decreasing was not as severe as the left. What happened..... I could not write legible, my driver's license was revoked, I could not cook for safety reasons, I need a person to walk with me on various terrain, etc. I cried for months trying to figure out "why me?" My mom had everyone praying for me as doctors decided what to do for me. I work with children and adults with all disabilities, why was I finding it so hard to deal with one? Believe me when I say, my disability is not severe compared to those I treat. Why could I not cope? Was it because I lost control of things that I once had control over? Was I feeling sorry for myself? Well, with the stress and emotions of it all I found a way to cope, I ATE!

alone on the road

Just know.... there will be times when you work out with others or your trainer and times when you are alone. Time when you eat with others and time when you eat alone. That alone time is your test. I would be lying if I told you I have not tested myself. I have considered straying from the diet path when I am alone. What can I sneak to eat? Is it really going to hurt me? No one will see me! I'd feel bad if I completely fell off just because I was alone. How would I justify it? You have to keep your focus at all times. If I was alone, I know that I would be my worst enemy. So, I choose to share and listen to others. It would be wonderful if I could promote change in someone else as make changes toward a better life.

how far does the emotion really take you

Sure, everyone talks about their diet, their surgery, their fitness schedule etc. But, how many people come clean on the identifying that emotional component or underlying reason that got them to become overweight. Some may do it within themselves, but hardly out in the open. To release it with others, you have to admit your reason for finding food as a comfort. You have to reveal why reaching for the food and eating it satisfied your emotions. Eating to eat, fast or slow, was comforting. Why? What was it that you needed to deal with at that point in time? Is it a present issue? A previous one? Is it something that needs resolution before you can move on? Is it something that you feel you can't get over? Did something medically happened that has caused you to a set back to start on loosing weight?

If you release it you become vulnerable person. Are you showing weakness? Will you be judged? Are you justified in having them? Right now, I don't know if I can let everyone know right now. I do know that within myself I can recognize and identify the emotional components to my eating. At what point will I feel comfortable in sharing? All I know is that I have to keep my acknowledgment of issues because it helps me stay focused on changing. If I give in and go back to denial or feeding into it, I have lost the five weeks I have invested.

the log

Did I ever mention that once you decide to start dieting, they say you should log what you eat! I think I have mentioned that eating to me used to be going out or making whatever was available. I ate two meals a day with maybe some snacks. I did not do labels, I did not measure, and I did not count calories! It is just another thing to do. In my mind, the log that I started was pretty good. My eating schedule went from two times a day to sick times a day. That was a hard concept to deal with when I started the log. "They want me to eat more often!" Needless to say, with the log, I saw what I was eating and when. I tracked water intake as well. The time came and I turned in my proud log to my trainer for his review. "Wow! Great!" Is what I was expecting. Well, guess what! He said it was organized, but incomplete. What? How? What was I forgetting now? Since I did not specify the amount of food or calories from labels, it was hard to determine what my caloric intake was. I knew I had reduced my intake from where I was in August. But, did I reduce it too much? Was I suppose to be eating more? Was I suppose to be eating more variety of food?

I guess it boils down to that I do not know how everything works: energy you get from food, lean body mass, muscle breaking down fat, the hormones, the chemicals, the trans fat, the protein, the carbohydrates, the sugars. UUGH!!! If I became a dietitian or nutritionist, I would know all these things. Do I want to know? Well,my trainer feels it is important and explains things when I ask. He has knowledge from what he has read and experienced. I can't take what he knows and use it immediately. It is going to take me a while to digest this whole thing. If I want to change for the better and really watch what I do, I need to start reading. Who ever said that this was going to be easy?

the start

Well, now that I know how to post I want to go back to the start. If you are obese (gosh I hate that word and I still have trouble using it)like me, you might share some of my thoughts. First off, I was in denial. I never watched the biggest looser or other shows that dealt with fat people because I did not see myself that way or better yet, I did not want to see myself that way. I was just overweight. Then when I started flopping channels and / or reading on the internet about weight loss programs, I realized that my avoidance was a directly related to me judging myself into a category. I didn't want to realize what others thought about me. I know they looked and made comments. It wasn't till I saw a person weigh in on the show in that skimpy workout fits that they wear that I made a connection. That is me! Oh, no! I can not stand to watch them weigh in because I feel embarrassed for them and me. I am in the group! I am in this group! How depressing and I went for the food.
Another thought was that of really acknowledging it. Ok, I recognized I was in the group, but was I really that bad. I struggled for days as I started identifying the ways that made me more part of it than out of it. "I don't really need to diet, I can just watch what I eat! This way, I do not call it a diet so that if I do not loss weight, I could not be a failure." I couldn't have surgery because I am medically stable. If I had the surgery, I would have considered myself a permanent failure. So not having it was a good idea because I could not reverse it. All in all, I was only then temporary failure in regards to my diet.
The final thought, like I said before, was I got scared. When I really sat down to think about the effects of an overweight person, I got scared. Sure, right now I was lucky and someone up there is watching over me. But, how long would that last? When would it be to late to make a decision, a really dedicated decision? How selfish of me to not worry about what would happen if I was gone?

So now that I am at the gym with a trainer, my mind wondered. It was not in the same place as he was. The trainer was in a training let's go fitness mode. He was ready and prepared. But where was I. While he was saying "keep moving", I was saying 'yeah,right out the door." Not one minute went by were I was thinking about what others working out thought. "Here comes that fat girl. Look at how she can't move. Laugh. Laugh. Stare. Stare." This was going over and over in my head. When the trainer said 'don't sit down", I was thinking "yeah right, I will for a long time buster when this is over." When he would say "time to make changes", I thought 'easier for you to say." When he worked me hard and said "you want this!", I was thinking "yes, but not all by tonight." It was hard work. I was hard not being able to do exercises and weights properly because of flab in the way. It was hard not getting everything out of my mind. It was hard to stay focus on what I was doing because I was so worried about everything and everyone else. So know that when if and when you start, your mind is not going to be in the same place as your trainer or as those helping you. I had to stop rolling my eyes at the comments that did not match mine. I needed to stop nervously laughing at comments that I thought sounded utterly ridiculous. I needed to stop having a come back for each thing he said to me. It wouldn't be fair to him or me. After I worked out, especially after the first two times with my trainer, I went home and thought about all the other things he said that I just couldn't pay attention to in the heat of the workout. So his kinds words of "this is a process, eat well and rest, please just focus on each day, you will get stronger" etc. started to make me think that the least I could do was try no matter how hard it was going to be. I had to be committed WITHOUT excuses or complaints.

where do you go from diaster

It has been two days since I crumbled. After being mad, I was finally able to get of some sense from it. . The first thing I realized is that when you fall, people can pick you up and help you or you can do it on your own. For me, if I allowed my trainer to get me out of this emotional thing, then I thought it would be in pity. Would he respect me? Would I respect myself? His words on the hill echoed through my head. Yes, his words may have been harsh as first, but in actuality he was right. I have to rethink those emotional thoughts and turn them into useful energy. I could sit and cry, but what good would that do me. A temporary relief, not permanent one. So when I went to the gym the past to days, I turned those emotions into anger. Yes, I was angry and took it out on the machines. It actually felt good. I channeled those thoughts that brought me down and thought about them as I was ready to give up. It helped me get the last two or three trials done. The second thing I realized is that I am too worried about the bigger picture. When will I lose that 150 pounds, why is my husband loosing faster than me, etc. I have to stay focused on the here and now or I will drive myself crazy. When you make little accomplishments, do what my trainer says and be proud. So, here is what I am proud of today no matter how insignificant others may think they are. One, I actually did some running in my workout. When I first started training and my trainer said he was going to have me run, I laughed in his face. I had not run for 20 years. He just smiled and told me to wait. Tonight I had to own it. When he said I told you, I just smiled and swallowed that laughter that I so quickly gave him in the first days of training. Secondly, I am proud of the twenty pound loss. I have always seen the scale go up and up. There is hope. It is coming down.

When you drive, do you always have a road map. Well, I never had my food mapped out. I never checked calories or labels. I just bought the food and ate. Explains why I am in the predicament I am in now. So what if I write yogurt. Does it really matter the brand? The log I have been keeping is detailed but today I found out by my trainer that I have to get more specific. Put those calories on! Put the portion down! Oh, man! I gave myself several excuses why I could not do it. I was going to refuse. Then, I realized again. If I don't, I am fighting what I want to do and that is loose weight. How can I be helped in this area if I don't show exactly what my intake is. I have to be honest so that I don't hurt myself in the long run. How more complicated can this be?

disaster on the hill

well, yesterday and today were pretty pathetic. I have been training for a month and it felt like I just started. The exercises were not new, but for some reason, I could not complete them. I was stressing. What was causing it? was it because I just got over being sick, the heat, the emotions, the time lapse of intense training? was it a combination? I don't know. What I do know is that I felt like a failure. I was angry, mad, and frustrated. When I could not perform, we left, Just like that. Was I wasting my time and his? Did the trainer loose all hope in me? Did I loose that in myself? There was a sense of defeat. How could this happen? It is not suppose to. The training was to become easier, not harder. As I was coming down from the hill, my emotions were eating me. By the time I drove home, I was mad and frustrated. Sure, the crying had stopped, but the pain I was feeling for not finishing or completing exercises hurt the most. You get to a point in your training where you think everything is okay and all of a sudden it is not. I did not want to eat when I came home. I had to give myself every reason why I should not just go "EAT MY STRESS". When I did eat, it sat right in my throat. The same for dinner. I am trying to get past this but it not easy. Every psychological issue that I had seem to have, came to a head when I started failing on the hill. I lost control of them. I dumped it out and all it did was made matters worse. It was not a successful workout. I was stop and go and I could not keep up with the steady pace. For all those who are obese and are going to start dieting and exercise, know that it is not going to be easy at all. Be for warned that the challenges that lie ahead can make you feel like you need to stop. You can easily give and believe the excuses you give. I worried about it all day today. I am better now and no, I did not inhale the cookies or the new Halloween candy the boys brought home. I contemplated cheating and justified it easily. but when it came down to it, I didn't. I am alone with my feelings and that gets me into trouble. Maybe be writing them down, it helps. All and all when it comes down to it, I can't go back to where I was. I will die and that would be selfish.