who is really going to be in the drivers seat?

Okay, tomorrow is the big day. Three months of boot camp and I do not know if I am driving the car anymore. It seems as though when I will be in boot camp, I will not be the driver. Just an exhausted passanger. When I am not in boot camp, I guess I can take control of the wheel again. So hang on for the ride, I will definitely be sharing my experince with you (that is if I am not lying down unable to get up off of some hill or something).


How are you doing? Got questions? My trainer now has a blog and I read his first post yesterday. It may be helpful to those of us who have started a weight loss program or to those who are still thinking about starting a weight loss program. We all may have questions that are unanswered about weight loss or we may be trying to gain more information. Remember, it is good to have a support system. It is good to know that there is someone who is open to helping. You may want to check out his first blog and / or ask him questions.
GO TO: http://100essentialsteps.blogspot.com/

BTW. I am being encouraged to take another photo of what I look like now. So, you may see another picture up on my blog. Can you believe it is still hard for me to post pictures? Yes, I have lost weight but I am still over 100 pounds overweight.

no dui's while you are on the road

Well it has been a week since my last post and I have one more until I weigh in. This week has been very stressful. I realized that when I was stressed, I usually went for food. But this week was different. The stress was so intense that I felt the NEED for an immediate release. Food was not even a consideration, but alcohol was. Sadly enough, I craved drinking. I so desired to have it in my system to help me relax. In the course of a year, I would drink about 4-5 times and for sure on New Year's Eve. When I did, I rarely put myself in a drunken state that left me sick. I would get myself in a place in which my body relaxed. I NEEDED to relax. I felt like I was a time bomb waiting to explode. There did not seem to be another way of dealing with the stress level. I cried and came to realized that I was still stressed but I had a red nose and swollen eyes. What was I going to do? I took deep breaths and just laid on the couch until it was time to go to bed. I did not have an ounce of alcohol or food. I knew if I submitted to the desire, I was doomed. Being under the influence would only have diminished the stress temporarily. I would still have to face the issues that were the underlying cause of the stress. How many step backwards would I have taken? How wrong of me to even consider it? :-(

I know we all have our moments. I feel ashamed for sharing this moment, but I have to tell you this new life style is difficult at times. Difficult does not mean stopping and giving up on yourself. Difficult does not mean you need to fail. It just means there are road blocks that are sometimes not so easy to pass by.

what is out there to eat on the road

Well, if you read my last blog, I talked about being at a stand still with my meals. The fault is only mine because I do not cook much and I just grab what is available on my meal plan as I am heading out the door in the morning. Last Friday, I had to voice my concerns about my lack of variety and eating the same old thing this week to my trainer. Was I wanting to complain, was I wanting him to solve my problem, or was I, in a way, giving him the heads up that I was not doing as well as I could with all the options I had? No matter what my intent was, I knew that deep in my mind I could have justified eating something that I shouldn't be eating. Then I became angry at myself because I thought that one of the reasons why I resorted to junk food was still in my head. Why is it? Well, then I thought to myself, when I have those thoughts, I have to do the right thing so I reteach myself how to react when I have them. So, instead of going to a restaurant on Friday in that mode of desperation to eat something different, comply with my meal plan, and no meat for that day, I went to a familiar grocery store and bought foods that I know were good for me.

What surprised me happened the next day! When we weighed in on Saturday and had our measurements taken, our trainer, with a smile on his face, told us that he had a surprise for us. What would it be? Immediately, in the back of my mind, I was thinking "oh no, not more hours of training. I can't even get the hours in now." I was preoccupied that his idea of surprise was not going to be what I thought was a surprise. Since I am the way I am, I was jumping ahead trying to guess and voicing my opinion about it not being more exercise time. So what was the surprise? Talk about feeling you were listened too! Talk about a feeling that change is ahead and while it was something you may have wanted, it wasn't how you wanted it! He presented us with a different meal plan with more options. This is the wonderful part, especially for me knowing how I felt last week. The skeptical part for me is the amount of food intake we are now to consume. My point exactly - it was want I wanted, but not how I wanted it. My trainer has kinda of figured me out in a way.
Towards the end of my training session, he talked about the new meal plan and then talked about my journey so far. A great deal was said and I needed to soak it all in as I considered the big picture. When all was said and done, I had a boost of confidence and my judgment of myself was not so harsh. I need that to stay stay with me for a while.

So for the next two weeks, my road map has changed. The new meal plans will be in affect starting today. This will help with having variety. Then starting the first week in March, a major change. In order to support my son who is interested in getting healthier, to help me get the exercise in, and to develop some kind of exercise schedule I can follow, I am starting boot camp. My next weigh will be March 6th and I can't even guess what will happen!!?!! I can say though that my trainer has not steered me in the wrong direction. I am behind the wheel and I need decide how I make that drive.

another check point

This Saturday was our weigh in. I can honestly say that the more you continue on your weight loss program, the harder it gets. The pounds are not so easy to loose and it seems to take more work just to get a couple of pounds off your body. I think I complained about my mealtime eating habits because I was getting tired of the same old thing. I am not a very good cook so variety has always been a problem and a previous contributor to going out and grabbing junk. I know I was in a little rut. "Choices? Yes, you can continue or not!" There has been this a voice in my head since the day my trainer told me this. I didn't want to believe it would get harder. I have chosen to continue even though it is harder. What keeps me going is that I am almost at the 100 pound loss mark and the numbers at the weigh in, no matter how small they are, they add up. So, for the last two weeks I had another 5 pound loss with another 9 inches off my body. This time most of the inches off were on my thighs. Yeah! (Frankly though, I wish I could tell my body were to get rid of the inches. Wouldn't that be nice!)

I am at 241 and I have only 41 pounds to be at the 200 lb. mark and 36 pounds to reach 100 pounds lost. Little by little, one step at a time!

the picture is posted

Okay, it is up! Yes, I had enough guts and I posted it. Last April we went on a cruise. I have posted a picture that shows me at my heaviest and it something I am not too proud of. Like I said before, I am embarrassed that I took my body this far. As you know I am working on loosing the weight. Next year, we want to go on an Alaska or Caribbean cruise and I want to look 100% better than I did this time around.

snapshots along the way

Well, my husband is definitely on board with our "lifestyle" changes. He is the one focused on getting to the gym to exercise or getting me up to walk. I am the one who encourages the right food. Today, Valentine's Day, he served me my cereal after our long walk. One of our topics of discussion was about our monthly pictures we take to document our weight loss. We have taken front, back and side views of how we looked and those pictures of me would scare anyone away. So those will not be shown to anyone.


There are other pictures. Some of you have a picture on your blog whereas I do not. Do I put a picture of myself out there? If you would have asked me in September, the answer would have been a definite "no". I was too embarrassed to acknowledge how fat I was and I was extremely saddened about the way I looked. Looking at pictures of me makes me depressed. I can't believe that I let myself go. The stress, the emotional issues, the emotional eating, and the addiction to food to smooth over feelings WON. I was the loser and the lack of eating right / exerciing was the winner.

If you ask me if I will put out a picture now, I guess I am at least considering it. Here is the deal. I noticed that if I was in a picture, I was in the back or the end. Sometimes I was so far in the back that my head was the only visible part of me. I tried to hide from the camera or the result of what would be the final shot. Do you know you can't? When I was captured in a picture, the eye of the camera was not kind. It was accurately real and I hated it. Fortunately, there are not that many pictures of me because I volunteered to take the pictures.

So this is my job for tomorrow. I am going to look for a picture of me that I am willing to post. I think it will make the record of my journey more real. It will be a reminder about a place where I do not want to return. It will be a maker of the past. It will be something that I can go back to and compare where I was and where I am now. I can look at the picture as say "that was me". More importantly, it will be something that I am no longer running away from.

off roading.

Boy! what does twelve hours of workout a week do? It takes up time and I am barely getting to my blog in such as long time. In two weeks I had to add ten hours, five each week. I guess the reason why I hired a trainer was for him to get me on the right track because I obviously wasn't. Part of this experience has been to rely on what he says and listen to him. For the most part I do. However, there is a little part of my brain that tells me that it wouldn't hurt to deviate from the plan just a little. Saturday was weigh in and measurement day. I was sad to know that all my hours of hard work only amounted to a 4 pound loss. The upside, I lost several inches from my waist, arms and hips. I thought I deserved more pounds off, I sure wanted more. I am now 246 and have over 100 pounds to go.

So I guess that is my issue this weekend. I wanted more of a pay off for my hard work because I thought I was worthy. In reality, it may have been what I wanted, but I did not have a perfect two weeks. Yes, I deviated from the workout plan by not making my 12 hours a week and I did not have the right foods for a couple of meals. Therefore, I got what I deserve. Does that make sense? The only thing I can do is, do better. In retrospect, I guess I could have done more somewhere in those two weeks. You may be asking your self why the increase of hours. The worse thing about it is the finding the time. The fortunate thing is the reason why I have to do it. Remember way back when, I believe in September, when I told you how out of shape I was. All the exercise I have done since then has strengthened my heart and body. In order for me to get my heart rate up or for my body to react to the exercise, I have to work out more hours a week and the intensity has to increase. So for my husband who started later, he can walk and get his heart rate up to burn calories. Whereas, I have to jog in order to have the same results. The journey does get harder and there are definitely moments where your brain has a road block and you have to make a decision to continue or give up. This is truly the most difficult thing I have ever committed to and I need to rethink everything to put everything in check.

So where am I today. I feel like the next two weeks are a fresh start and my goal is not to go off the road. I am going to really give myself the benefits of two weeks of exercise as scheduled and following the meal planning menu. This way, when the next weigh in happens I can say, I stayed focus and committed. The scale or measuring tape reading will be what it is, but I will be satisfied with the effort I invested.

When you drive on the road, you see signs referring how long it takes to get to certain cities. I have past the fifty mile mark. So as I continue the drive, here is my sign to stay focus: 100 mile mark is around the corner!