What is wrong with my starter?

Oh my gosh, I can't believe how hard it is to get restarted. I have been away from my trainer since The beginning of July. It has been three months since I had a really great workout. I miss those training days even though I was so from doing them. My little walks or short periods of exercise do not equate to what I get in a half hour of training from my past trainer. Why is it so hard to me to put myself through the intensity he put me through. That is one reason I wanted to go to a trainer. The guidance I received was helpful and beneficial No my progress is very, very slow. I haven't lifted ant weights yet. I am scared to, but I know it is something I have to do.

Have I lost my way?

Well, I have had my surgery and I am slowly getting back to working out. I can't believe how taking time off can make a simple walk feel difficult. The drive to lose weight is still in me and I know I have to continue my journey. It is just I feel like my train derailed. I know everyone has their own lifestyle change plan. I support the different options people are implementing in their life because they are on a healthier path. But what happens when the plug has been pulled so, so unexpectedly. Well, that is what has happened in my case. My plan, my support, my guidance from someone I respect so much is now gone. I believe it is because I had to stop for my medical issue. I was loyal to the framework presented. Now I am faced with developing another course of action or just quitting. Hey, I could stop and then have excuses, but that would mean I haven't learned anything in the last year. It will be hard developing what to do and my anger for the change will slowly subside. People think that I am a strong individual and I fight back to the things that happen to me in my life. I do, but I also have the emotions that some people may think are week. So, even though I have lost my way, it is only temporary. The road ahead will be the most difficult part of what is left for my journey to reach my goal.

the clock is ticking

In two more days I will be having surgery. I am nervous!!!

self consciousness

So yesterday was my niece's 15th birthday. Prior to her big day, I had to go shopping for a nice dress. The store had one dress in the color I wanted. The size was six sizes smaller than I was before starting this journey. The dress was form fitting with one inch straps at the top. I absolutely could not wear the dress as is. I had to buy a little black jacket to cover my arms. They are so big still. The dress really showed my curves, something I am totally not used to seeing. People told me how good I looked, but I just couldn't get over how I felt inside. Do you ever try on clothes and see yourself as the bigger size still? I think this is what happened. Although I am smaller, I still visioned my self bigger. There were moments were I just could not get over thinking "how big is my behind still? why haven't the arms gone down more? when is the tummy going away? I was my worst critic and being self conscious did not help. Why is it that I could not be comfortable in my new attire? I know I need to concentrate and see myself as how I will look when I reach my goal. It is just hard when reality stares you right in the face.

what do you do if your car breaks down?

Car trouble! ugh!!!!! So I had to get to bank and to work and I was without a car. Since all I can do is walk, I decided to run errands on foot. Huge mistake. I didn't get to where I needed to be until 2 1/2 hours later. I obviously do not walk fast and this was definitely not the most effective way to burn calories. But I can say I did get some exercise in today. My feet hurt.

working through this

I spent this weekend working away from home. I was not prepared for meals or I did not have exercised plan. I felt BLAH! Today is no different. There is some sense of frustration that I can not train. Well I support those who do or can, I am upset that all I can do is walk. There needs to be a progression, not a regression. My mind set needs to be re-focus. I am are going to have to look at the glass half full for the next couple of months so that I do not drive myself crazy about the glass that is half empty. In order to do that, I need to look at the medical benefits that I will result in all this. My body will be well rested and I will actually slow down. This is going to be a forced break. What do I do? The couch, bed, and chair are not my friends and I can not tolerate being still for long. The 6 to 8 weeks of forced rest may end up driving me crazy. Watch out, I may be blogging more and reading more blogs!

I am parked!

Well, I went to the doctor today and it looks like I am definitely having surgery. He has taken me off work. We had a long conversation today and I don't know where I could have miss understood him. Apparently, I should have not been exercising to the degree I was since I was diagnosed officially with anemia. My symptoms have existed for a while, but I really didn't think that I had a medical issue until labs were done on me. Anyway, until I have surgery, I can walk. Yup, that's about all. Not an efficient workout, but I guess it is a way for me to keep moving. My recovery will be difficult for the first couple of weeks. I am going to try and blog each day to help me get through this.

Last night I did not sleep because of pain and my body could not regulate body heat. I was miserable. I managed to work today and get through my last work out with the trainer. It was no means intense. When I got home, I cried. I think all of this is eating at my emotions. I can't let this get to me. UGH!!! I told myself when I first started this journey that I needed to do this by myself ..... no surgeries. If I so much regress, I am see will see myself as a failure. I know I should not, but I will be taking two steps backwards. Guess what? I don't do backwards.

Can't sleep cuz I need to park the car.

Tomorrow is my last day to workout with my trainer and I can't sleep. Ugh!!! I am worried about what will transpire in the next few months. In the next two weeks I will be preparing for my surgery. Things at the office will need to be settled and ready for my absence. My time for workouts will be limited. I worry about what will happen. How much weight loss can I maintain? Will I gain since I can't maintain my exercise level? How will my food habits change? How much will I regress physically? I so do not want park the car. This part of the journey is definitely challenging. This part of the journey is a fork in the road and I am unsure of the road that lies ahead.

good news, but I have to park and stop off the road

Yay! I found out that the removed tumors were not cancerous. I still have to have the organ removed that is causing them and my other medical problems.

So, in my earlier blogs, I talked about being tired, short of breath, dizzy, and having the feeling of throwing up during my workouts. It wasn't lack of effort or a purposeful lack of energy. It was more than that and today it all came together as to why. Truthfully, I should not even have worked out to that extent. My body could have gone into shock. My plan is to work out with caution until my surgery and then I will be out for at least two months. This definitely puts an unwanted kink in my weight loss journey.

hope I get some sleep. can't drive this way.

Tomorrow is my day at the physician's office to determine what lies ahead of me medically. I relaxed this afternoon, but as I prepare for my day tomorrow, I feel my nerves rising. This better not keep me up all night! In my previous days, I would use anything that came up as an excuse not to deal with my weight. Now that this can interfere with my journey, I dislike that it will.

My oldest son is out of state while my other two boys are here at home. They are worried and I have to do my best to be strong in order not to worry them further. They mean the world to me and I want to protect them as much as I can. Mark, my husband, will be there with me tomorrow. We are thinking positive and we know that we can deal with this together.

I want to have some say about when I can have the surgery. My family, mom, friends, and trainer do not want me to postpone or delay what needs to get done. They are right and I am lucky to have support from all.

which package do I want?

This coming Monday I find out the results of my testing from last week. There are two options at this point. Malignant or benign tumors. I am hoping for the latter option. Either way, I will need surgery at some point. The wait is stressing me out. Why can't results come in sooner? Tonight's workout was intense and I was only off of my routine for one week. Boy, does that mess you up or what? I am sore all over. It makes me frustrated to know that taking two months off or more after surgery will severely hinder my progress. UGH!!! This journey definitely has it turns. I just need to stay on the road. If I fall off or stop, then my goals will not be achieved.

I guess I have to take one step at a time, one day at a time. Life can be so challenging at times. There are many people who are worse off than me and I can only hope that they have strength to deal what they need to deal with in their life.

how do I handle the turns in the road

I underwent day surgery that stopped me from activity for two days. What will happen when the pathology of those results are in? Right now, I am anemic. OMG, that explains the dizziness, lack of energy, and shortness of breath that did not seem to go away, especially while working out. In about two weeks, I will find out the route I will have to take. The less intrusive route will keep me away from any kind of activity for 6 to 8 weeks. I am frustrated to say the least. I have worked hard and I know that my lifestyle change of getting healthier has worked because of a combination of factors (getting enough sleep, eating right, exercising, decreasing stress, etc). Eliminating one factor affects the scale and the inches. If I am forced to take out the physical component, I am worried that I will gain pounds that I have worked so hard to take off my body and my level of performance, even though I am not an expert, will decrease.

Some people may not think that this bumpy road ahead is a problem and that I should not let it bother me. It is and I do! Since my weight has been an issue and something that I have to keep working on, this bump bothers me. It makes this journey that more intense. It makes me sad that I will be taking several steps backward before I can move forward again. As for medical issues, I know I am doing the right thing. I have to take care of this. I have to know that in the long run I will still "win" my weight loss battle. There is no other option. I just wish that is was going to be smooth sailing from here to my final goal.

scheduling time

I have been working out a great deal this last week, two times a day. It is a daily struggle to see where I can fit the next workout. I had not been successful in previous months because I was trying to fit in workout blocks over an hour long. It wasn't till this week I decided something is better than nothing. So, I have managed to sneak in 30 or 45 minutes and it has helped with getting exercise into my day. The only thing........ I am always hungry.

Can't sleep maybe I should go for a drive.

As I toss and turn in bed I am afraid of what lies ahead. Medical issues stink and I feel like they have got the best of me. At what point do I decide to have a surgery that would enable me to exercise. Should I wait until I have reached my goal or should I do it now? When I heard the news today I wanted to go to food and drinks for comfort. I have mixed emotions and all I want to do cry.

Crash! Boom! Bang!

It has happened. A detour. A huge fork in the road. Decisions to make that will definitely make me have to extend my deadline.

How long until the finish line.

I feel like I am racing against time. I have a deadline for my goal weight. What happens if I don't get there? What if it needs to be extended? I know that I am not a failure because I have done so much already. But, I would feel a sense of losing against time. Every day is a new day and it is hard to remain focused. All of us who have a busy life and do not have the opportunity to go off to some camp just to lose weight have to juggle the challenges that are put in front of us. I thought that I wouldn't have any challenges after being on this journey for over a year. The challenge are different, but still there.

When you are trying to do some thing that is truly difficult for you, you have really know that the fight is worth it. The fight is hard. You get banged up and tossed around. You want to get out of the ring per say and walk away at times. Your support during the beginning of the fight may not be the same as it is in the middle. That is where I find myself........in the middle of this weight loss fight. I know I can't go back and moving forward is the only option. It takes perseverance. It takes real dedication without excuses. It take time. It takes all I have to stay with it. Do I finish this fight I have with weight loss? How long until I am finished?

Where has the road taken me?

Hello to all and sorry I have not posted or been around to read how everyone is doing. It has been quite a while since I have blogged. There has been numerous events since October. One event, and most special, is that my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversay in November. Both of us were a hundred pounds lighter than we were on our 24th anniversay. We have continued our lifestyle, but hid a road block in December (something I will go into more detail at a later time).

The new year started with us refocusing on our goal and actually making a deadline to achieve it. It really puts things in perspective and makes us concentrate more on the things we have to do in order to meet it. Otherwise, we would have an open -ended goal and no real commitment to achieve it. Our boys continued to participate in the lifestyle we were now modeling for them. To date, our family has lost over 300 pounds. I am so thankful that we have come this far.

My trainer told us last night about some news about the numbers I knew he was taking. As you know for previous posts, I am a scale kinda gal. I wanted to see the scale moving. Sure, I paid attention to his measurements on a monthly basis to see if I was going up or down. What I never did was look to see how things measured out from the beginning. The first time I let my trainer measure me was in December of 2009. Last night, he gave me the comparison results from December 2009 to March
28, 2011. So, in thirteen months I have lost 38.75 inches. It didn't hit me until I was in bed. Where did three feet of fat go? It is coming off my body! I cried happy tears and so realized that, although this journey is hard, it is so worth it.