disaster on the hill

well, yesterday and today were pretty pathetic. I have been training for a month and it felt like I just started. The exercises were not new, but for some reason, I could not complete them. I was stressing. What was causing it? was it because I just got over being sick, the heat, the emotions, the time lapse of intense training? was it a combination? I don't know. What I do know is that I felt like a failure. I was angry, mad, and frustrated. When I could not perform, we left, Just like that. Was I wasting my time and his? Did the trainer loose all hope in me? Did I loose that in myself? There was a sense of defeat. How could this happen? It is not suppose to. The training was to become easier, not harder. As I was coming down from the hill, my emotions were eating me. By the time I drove home, I was mad and frustrated. Sure, the crying had stopped, but the pain I was feeling for not finishing or completing exercises hurt the most. You get to a point in your training where you think everything is okay and all of a sudden it is not. I did not want to eat when I came home. I had to give myself every reason why I should not just go "EAT MY STRESS". When I did eat, it sat right in my throat. The same for dinner. I am trying to get past this but it not easy. Every psychological issue that I had seem to have, came to a head when I started failing on the hill. I lost control of them. I dumped it out and all it did was made matters worse. It was not a successful workout. I was stop and go and I could not keep up with the steady pace. For all those who are obese and are going to start dieting and exercise, know that it is not going to be easy at all. Be for warned that the challenges that lie ahead can make you feel like you need to stop. You can easily give and believe the excuses you give. I worried about it all day today. I am better now and no, I did not inhale the cookies or the new Halloween candy the boys brought home. I contemplated cheating and justified it easily. but when it came down to it, I didn't. I am alone with my feelings and that gets me into trouble. Maybe be writing them down, it helps. All and all when it comes down to it, I can't go back to where I was. I will die and that would be selfish.