the start

Well, now that I know how to post I want to go back to the start. If you are obese (gosh I hate that word and I still have trouble using it)like me, you might share some of my thoughts. First off, I was in denial. I never watched the biggest looser or other shows that dealt with fat people because I did not see myself that way or better yet, I did not want to see myself that way. I was just overweight. Then when I started flopping channels and / or reading on the internet about weight loss programs, I realized that my avoidance was a directly related to me judging myself into a category. I didn't want to realize what others thought about me. I know they looked and made comments. It wasn't till I saw a person weigh in on the show in that skimpy workout fits that they wear that I made a connection. That is me! Oh, no! I can not stand to watch them weigh in because I feel embarrassed for them and me. I am in the group! I am in this group! How depressing and I went for the food.
Another thought was that of really acknowledging it. Ok, I recognized I was in the group, but was I really that bad. I struggled for days as I started identifying the ways that made me more part of it than out of it. "I don't really need to diet, I can just watch what I eat! This way, I do not call it a diet so that if I do not loss weight, I could not be a failure." I couldn't have surgery because I am medically stable. If I had the surgery, I would have considered myself a permanent failure. So not having it was a good idea because I could not reverse it. All in all, I was only then temporary failure in regards to my diet.
The final thought, like I said before, was I got scared. When I really sat down to think about the effects of an overweight person, I got scared. Sure, right now I was lucky and someone up there is watching over me. But, how long would that last? When would it be to late to make a decision, a really dedicated decision? How selfish of me to not worry about what would happen if I was gone?

So now that I am at the gym with a trainer, my mind wondered. It was not in the same place as he was. The trainer was in a training let's go fitness mode. He was ready and prepared. But where was I. While he was saying "keep moving", I was saying 'yeah,right out the door." Not one minute went by were I was thinking about what others working out thought. "Here comes that fat girl. Look at how she can't move. Laugh. Laugh. Stare. Stare." This was going over and over in my head. When the trainer said 'don't sit down", I was thinking "yeah right, I will for a long time buster when this is over." When he would say "time to make changes", I thought 'easier for you to say." When he worked me hard and said "you want this!", I was thinking "yes, but not all by tonight." It was hard work. I was hard not being able to do exercises and weights properly because of flab in the way. It was hard not getting everything out of my mind. It was hard to stay focus on what I was doing because I was so worried about everything and everyone else. So know that when if and when you start, your mind is not going to be in the same place as your trainer or as those helping you. I had to stop rolling my eyes at the comments that did not match mine. I needed to stop nervously laughing at comments that I thought sounded utterly ridiculous. I needed to stop having a come back for each thing he said to me. It wouldn't be fair to him or me. After I worked out, especially after the first two times with my trainer, I went home and thought about all the other things he said that I just couldn't pay attention to in the heat of the workout. So his kinds words of "this is a process, eat well and rest, please just focus on each day, you will get stronger" etc. started to make me think that the least I could do was try no matter how hard it was going to be. I had to be committed WITHOUT excuses or complaints.