the path to weight gain - Part 2

So, after my independence was stripped away, I found out that I needed surgery in both eyes. They were going to do the left eye first and then the right. Each eye needed a different type of surgery. The first surgery in the left eye was not successful and I had to wait for another donor eye. Friends cooked wonderful meals and brought them to us (it was soooo nice not to have to fast food again). Anyway, stubborn as I can get sometimes, I decided that I would try to make a simple meal for my family that I had done plenty of times. That night I made a mess of the stove and counter tops. That I could deal with! What shocked me was the devastation I almost caused my family. I couldn't sleep right that night and I asked my husband to go downstairs to get me some water around 4am. He came right back up the stairs and said make sure the windows were open. Well, I had left the gas on and the fumes downstairs were so bad. My husband mistakenly left the downstairs kitchen window open slightly. But, that ended up being what had saved us. The fumes would have travel faster had that window not been open. What would I have done to my family? OK! That night I came to grips with my disability. I could not longer do what I used to do, at least without supervision (talk about feeling like a kid).

Within that year, I had both surgeries and was on six different steroids. A great deal of pressure was put on my husband to cook, grocery shop and take the children
to point A and B. I felt helpless. In order to help, the pressure of dinner was removed and that is when home cooked meals were few and far between at our house. Almost every night was junk food time. Yes, we tired all the food joints we already knew and more that we did not. The weight gain spiraled out of control. I rarely packed a lunch so that meant I was doing fast food for that meal also. Every bite relieved the stress. I can't even say I enjoyed the food I was eating. It was comfort for the emotions. My poor children had to endure something that as I look back on, I AM not proud of.

In April of 2008, I could finally drive - daytime only, no freeways. I am still in that mode until my eyes improve even more. The important thing was that I felt some of my independence back. Although the trips to fast food joints decreased, they were still present. When I looked at myself in the mirror a year later, I was depressed. Sure, I thought about the diet thing, the surgery thing and the exercise thing. Since surgery was out, I tried to diet and exercise. I had to and still have to watch my step as I walk, especially on uneven surfaces. At night, I could not walk on my own because I do not see well. Everyone around me knows to form rack in front of me to go downstairs or hills to be my guide. When I tried to walk or exercise on my own I fell or did not feel comfortable. I made the realization that the I could loose weight on my own. NOPE. I had gone too far. I had taken my body to a limit where I felt again totally helpless.