the holiday drive

First and foremost, I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday. This is the time to celebrate family, health, and friendships and it is nice to be surrounded by those you love. It has been awhile since I have written something due to illness.

The week prior to the holidays was very bad for me. I ended up with a stomach flu that threw my diet and eating habits right out the window. In the course of five days, I was only able to eat 1 -2 times a day. I dropped pounds quickly (not a good thing) because when I started eating again, the pounds came back with a vengeance. Now that the holidays have past, I have gained weight. This is not where I wanted to be. My goal was to be at least five pounds lighter by the end of the year and I am so sorry I put that as my goal. Why? Well, I only have a few more days to try and reach my first big goal and I don't want to fail. So for the next few days, I am going to have to be right on target and I have put that pressure on myself.


Why did I gain weight? First of all, I think I lost the structure I had when I got sick. I may have gained confidence in the past two months, but I obviously did not gain mental strength. So,secondly, I did not put myself back into the same eating regimen once I started feeling better. Thirdly, I was not working out the 7-10 hours a week. Sure, I had opportunities, but I denied them when it came down to actually going. It was like I checked out! My mind was not where I needed it to be. I am embarrassed to admit that I goofed, that I was weak. Does this happen to other people as well? If so, how do you get reconnected? Today I tried, but I was not successful the entire day.

Last night I had a dream. There was tons of familiy with me and we were shopping at a farmer's market. I was skinny and nicely built as I had my fruits and veggies in tow. I was talking to people about food labels and the benefits of organic food (so not like me). When I got home from my shopping experience, there were foods in there that I should not have and I did not know how they got there. I did not put them in there. The saddest thing was I then put them in my cupboard instead of throwing them away. Did someone slip them in while I was talking?

Today I am asking myself today "where did that come from!!!!!?" This is soooo not me. You would think that I would have had a dream that I gained all my weight back because that is what slightly happened. Did I have this dream because I knew I goofed? Because I needed to tell myself I had to get back on track? Well I guess the reality is I have to find the right path again. If I stay the way I am going, I am in big trouble. Sadly, I can not get the vision of how I looked out of my head. Am I setting myself up? I know it is not even possible to look that way for at least another year. I have to figure a way to get back on track.